>>Dream tears.

It's hot in southern California this time of year. 

Burning hot. 

I woke up at around five am sticking to my sheets. 

I threw some cool water on my face and wandered back to bed. 

Oblivious to the storm of emotion that was about to hit. 

I fell into a restless sleep. One of those falling dreams. Suddenly I was standing in my childhood bedroom looking around the room, the room part of the home that I grew up in. Thirteen years in that house. Immediately following the death of my father- we moved a town over. 

This cloudy moment of reconnection with my old home was exactly like I would imagine it at year eight, running through the hallways with big dolls and important meetings to attend in the guest room with stuffed bears and imaginary friends waiting on my final decisions. 

That guest room served as a classroom, doctors office, courtroom, castle, and endless others. I had and still have an imagination like none you've ever seen before. 

In this dream though I wasn't running or singing or dancing or playing. In this dream I was well aware that I had lost my father. So I began to cry. The way I felt- helpless. It was one of those few dreams that will likely be sketched in my brain for a very long time. 

There in that setting of that childhood house- the pain was worse. Every wall in that home has a story with his name on it. Every moment in that place reminded me of the way things used to be. & even in the dream- it hurt. I cried for what seemed like hours. I couldn't gather myself. I ran through that childhood home like it was a last chance. Because everything in the dream was so real. I flung open toy boxes, I flew downstairs and ran out to the pool area, I sat in his big chair, I climbed on the counters in the kitchen. 

Never have I had such an incredibly emotional, powerful, and vivid dream. 

I ran into the living room and suddenly it was Christmas time. 

My entire living room was decorated like always. 

Big tree, bright lights, candles, and winter decor.

Standing in the middle of it all with his back turned to me- was my daddy. 

I said his name but no words came out. 

He turned around and I reached out for him. 

He looked at me with a strand of Christmas garland in his hand & said, 

"Don't be sad El, I love you." 

Vivid is an understatement. 

In that moment. 

I felt there. 

I woke up with tears in my eyes. The sun was beaming through my window. My body was immensely calm in comparrison to the fit that some part of my subconscious mind had just thrown. 
My finger immediately traced the picture that I have of him hung at my bed side. 

I love you. 

I love you. 

I love you. 

No one ever tells you how hard it is to lose someone. 

Nearly three years without him has not eased the pain. 

But it has memorialized the memories. 

& I cling to those.