change.

I rarely write posts in full on tears. 

This is one of the few. 

Today I got home from Santa Barbara, California- from a trip with some of my best friends. We traveled up the coast of California. We had this totally amazing time cruising around and enjoying all there is to see on the California coastline and in downtown Santa Barbara.

Last night at dinner- I started to think about my renewed faith with Jesus.
You can read about that in more depth in the post below. 


I started thinking about what an influence he is in my life.
& then I started to think about how uniquely he has shaped my life.
Different from that of any other person in this precious little world. 
So in this midsts of this revolutionary idea- I see these two women walk through the outdoor mall I'm having dinner at. I just stare.


I wonder what their names are.
I wonder if they're happy. 
Where are they from? 
Where are they going? 
Do they know Jesus? 
Why or why not? 
Silent prayer for them. 
What does it feel like to be them? 

& then I stopped.
All the questions stopped except just a few.
A few that had me in silent tears.
I silently asked myself.

What is my name? 
Am I happy? 
Where am I from? 
Where am I going? 
Do I know Jesus? 
Why or why not? 
Silent prayer for myself. 
What does it feel like to be me? 

These may seem like simplified questions.
Questions with no depth. 
Questions with one word answers. 
For you- maybe they are. 


For me though- I am still answering them. 
Because in my efforts to be 100% sure that I am where I need to be in my life. 
I am slowly decoding. 
I am silently praying. 
I am silently imagining. creating. improvising. changing. learning. understanding. 


Simple questions- turned to questions with no exact answer. 
Simple prayers- turned to complicated changes in life. 
Simple words- turned into all the meaning in the world. 
Simple change- well there is none. 

& I think this overwhelming urge to know Jesus is stemming from my ability to decode everyone else around me except myself. The ability to watch myself grow and change- but still feel like my life is passing itself by. For some reason- I feel the overwhelming need for his stabilization.

His love.
His compassion.
His guidance.

Mostly though. I am struggling to understand how to embrace a life that is speeding by at a hundred miles a minute. How to live it up. How to breathe steadily. How to have faith.

Today on the car ride home- I fell asleep.
I then thought about what if felt like to be a child again.
When the days were slow.
When god loved you, mommy, daddy, and sissy too.
When questions had answers.
When prayers were answered.
When innocence created us. built us. taught us.

& in all that reflection- I remembered the old swing set that my parents bought for me around my ninth Christmas. It was such a warm fuzzy memory. It made me miss childhood. It was a brief thought that stemmed from the scene of one of those outdoor adventure set stores that display all those shinny new slide sets. A scene that flew by at 65 miles an hour along the California coast line. A scene that quickly faded into drowsy sleep.

Upon my arrival home- I come to find this on my living room wall.
This very day. & the tears. fell.

This holds all the meaning in the world.

The 26th day of March I was born.
The 30th day of December baby sis was born.

2630.
The rusted address numbers that we bought at home depot almost seven years ago.
The address numbers that we then hung on our  once shiny and new outdoor play set.
A play set that housed hours of adventures. memories. family time. meaning.
A play set I never thought I'd see again when I moved out of my old childhood home two years ago.

A play set I thought I'd left behind forever.
A play set that I thought about this very day.

& here sitting on my living room wall in a town fifteen miles over- is a piece of our old play set.
A piece with perhaps the most meaning. memory. and purpose.
A piece of my childhood.

The renters of our old home torn down the rotting wood play set and gave us this precious memory.
A childhood keepsake.

Home is wherever the postivie memories are. 

Chase them. 

Embrace them. 

Let them create you. 

Let them slow you down.

with change there is hope.