I don't think I will ever understand why god works in the way he does.
Granted that's why I am I and he is he.
This life. It's this constant test.
I comfortably base my entire life on faith in his ways.
That's the best I can do.
I have been reflecting on the day I lost my dad a lot lately.
Telling the story over and over in my head....
I have gotten to this point in my grieving where it does not hurt to think about him.
& so I do. Freely and often.
Thinking about that day all I can remember is that overwhelming feeling of emotion. Trying to get a grasp on reality.
That "this can't be real" moment running though my veins.
Naive and scared. Two things I never want to be again.
Two things that I wish I could teach people-
you are not alone.
These feelings do not last forever.
When my mother is out with the girls and I get a text in which she explains to me a sad story about how a first grader is loosing his life to cancer tonight right here in my home town and moments later my baby sister walks down the stairs rubbing her sweet blue eyes...
"Ellie, I can't sleep."
I can't help but think- "Tonight I am blessed."
I cannot anticipate what tomorrow will bring.
No guarantees. No promises.
But tonight I am blessed.
& I will never have it in me to even begin to understand why it isn't me loosing something that close to my heart. I will never understand why god wants to take that baby boy from his family. Never. I will never be able to wrap my head around sickness or sadness. I will never be able to say "I know how you feel..." because being there and been there are two very different things.
& my gosh I wish I could do something. Anything.
I wish I could articulate my emotions towards his family.
I wish I could click my heels and make it all the better.
But I cannot. & that hurts my heart.
So I resort to that comforting notion....
God has him.
He knows him.
He loves him.
This is not my battle to fight.
This belongs in his hands.
"Sweet boy- something wonderful is waiting for you. I cannot tell you what or who or where but you have an entire eternity of adventure coming your way rather it be tonight or in 80 years...you're some kind of wonderful and I believe in you."
Thank god for leaving me loved tonight.
& I know all of you sweet people have a place in your heart for this little tonight.