Thursday, May 3

Falling.





In actuality the heart of fear comes from the absence of faith. 
Rather it be faith in the lord, some higher power, or simply just in yourself. 

Surly-I do believe that quote. Perhaps...even lean on that quote in the presence of fear. That being said, inevitably-I do fear. 

This morning in spanish I sat silently clicking my heels on the chair in front of me. 
My mind raced with thoughts of summer and the final tests that I must take in order to get to the couple months of tanning and freedom. 

This last month is going to kill me. 
That was my exact thought that brought on another and then another...

Somehow in the middle of the rush of thoughts a memory from my past came creeping up on my heart  and suddenly I sat staring blankly at the white board trying to fight back tears. 

I started to think- "My dad really is gone..."

"I wonder how heaven is..."

"There is so much I need to ask him." 

"I need more time." 

"There will be more time someday..." 

"Stop thinking about this it's been two years." 

"Why has it been so long since I've thought of him?" 

"Am I forgetting his love?" 

Memories flooded my brain and hot tears built up under my eye lids. 
I couldn't stop telling myself how ridiculous these thoughts were...
To come on in such a wave of emotion...it killed me. 

I asked myself
Do I have a right to be sad, right here...right now? 

& then as though the cloudy thoughts faded away instantly, something inside me answered... 
"There is no right way to deal with grief." 

No tried and true proven way to cope with the loss of something that great. 
& I am more than welcome to be sad two years later. 

In fact- I still haven't completely come to terms with the fact that he's never coming home. 
Sure I've acknowledged that he won't.....but kind of like a child, I still believe he just might pop in to show his love for me. 

My gosh-his love is measured in such a greater sense now. 
The hundreds of "I love you's" he shared with me as a child do not even begin to compare to the love vibes he has sent my way since he became part of the every breath I take.  

I think I forget that even if I can live an entire eight weeks and not cry over his death....
That he is still one of the biggest lights in my life. & he's always going to shine for me.

 
Daddy- 
         I love you dearly. 
oh and just in case the heaven's above didn't get the memo...
I'm learning to drive. 

Please let me know if you have any ideas how to fix mom's front bumper. 
Photobucket

14 comments:

Sierra said...

when you lose one to death, the thought process is, quite literally, out of control. At least for me it was that way. I would literally go from thinking disturbing thoughts to laughing uncontrollably. Keep your chin up. Sending my love.
xoxo,
Sierra
Oh, Just Living the Dream

bridget anne said...

i'm so sorry. don't fight back the feelings or feel they're illegitimate. they are real & they matter. there's no right way to feel, and maybe even more importantly, no right or wrong time to feel a certain way. these things are fluid, unprecipitated sometimes, unpredictable. we're always here for you.

Anonymous said...

you are perfect in every way Ellie! I am so impressed at how you handle everything! You are truly a unique one of a kind wonderfulness

you go girl.

vivian Worthington said...

this is the perfect example of perseverance and hope you have a talent no one has at your age and take that with you on this blessed journey

love the pics

samantha Reese said...

I'm here for you blogging friend! I love you so much don't let anything get you down your smile is too beautiful!

Monica's Notebook said...

Wow, this is such an awesome post. I am so incredibly sorry, and you are right, there is no right way to deal with grief. Stay strong pretty girl! I lost an Uncle that I was really close too about a year ago and I know how hard dealing with death is. Your dad is watching over you and I know he is so proud of you! :]

Abigail Brown said...

beautiful sweet love! So encouraging to all of us who have lost someone so near to our heart

keep writing my dear

Katie said...

Ellie, I don't ever think it goes away. It'll be three years this July since I lost my Dad and I go from being great a lot of the time to miserable every now and then. I know the BIGGEST thing that has helped me is blogging about it. Whether I blog about him or blog about my boys, it makes me feel like even though he's far away he's still close. Sweet girl just know you are not alone! And your daddy must be so proud of how wise beyond your years you are.

Bri said...

"The hundreds of "I love you's" he shared with me as a child do not even begin to compare to the love vibes he has sent my way since he became part of the every breath I take."

--> you are an inspiration! such a beautiful feeling, and so wise :)

Anonymous said...

this is TO perfect!

Randy Sluck said...

when you lose one to death, the thought process is, quite literally, out of control. At least for me it was that way. I would literally go from thinking disturbing thoughts to laughing uncontrollably. Keep your chin up. Sending my love. xoxo, Sierra Oh, Just Living the Dream

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