It is almost impossible for me to begin this post....
The substance of the content that has encompassed my life and prompted my two month absence is incredibly complex.
I would like to quite simply say that my heart has been hurting too deeply to find time to grow or maintain my position in the blogging community.
I have learned everything that I thought I already knew over again between my last post and this one.
Mostly, I have learned to define myself in a time of tragedy.
Slowly the foggy black and white has paved way to dull colors and I am beginning to feel so incredibly full of life experiences that I want to share with my neglected corner of the internet.
There is so much to be said for tragic circumstances encompassing so many incredible life lessons.
While I am going to keep the content of my personal tragedy off of the internet, it is my prayer that you can learn from it all the same.
I will be participating in this wonderful blogging event this month and I couldn't be more thrilled.
I'm blessed to be back. Cheers to a new season of life.
You know I think we remember significant events in life in moments.
"Remember M's backyard campout sleepover party when she turned eight....?"
Chances are you don't remember the entire event.
You might remember the cake falling into the pool or how C's hair got stuck in the tent zipper at one in the morning prompting all eight girls to scream irrationally in the fear that we wouldn't be able to escape the "monster spider" lurking within S's sleeping bag.
but other than that I'm drawing a blank on M's backyard campout right about now....
I've been crying, sobbing, broken, shattered......all of the above....for just over six weeks.
& the funny thing of it is that I think I'll look back on a season of such tragedy in just a few short moments.
& the beginning of the end.
That pretty little third line right there ^ that's where I am!
I would be understating my excitement that surrounds the realization that I am coming out of a state of such sadness.
You see all I remember about the beginning is that the middle followed.
All I remember about the middle is pain. And oddly enough....I remember looking for the beginning of the end.
Last night I found the beginning of the end.
It came following my usual gut wrenching sadness that feels at times, never ending.
I think about my dad and the other people in my life that I have lost and then I think about the current private tragedy occurring in my life and I start to panic.
Just when I was about to turn over and go to sleep, I felt it.....
The beginning of the end.
My heart let go of the pain for a moment and I smiled.
I wanted to write.
I wanted to do things that I never desire anymore...
Three tears fell down my cheeks.
They were the first tears that meant anything except that I've been irrationally distraught for over a month.
They meant letting go.
They meant, things are going to be okay.
They signified a moment I really, really want to remember about this entire experience.
Today's prompt in part with The Thankful Project hosted by the beautiful and talented Kenzie of The Chasing Happy blog asks participating bloggers to speak of "a role they've played..."
Well you see the past six weeks of my life has really been about letting go of a role I played.
I am a caregiver by nature.
In the midsts of tragedy, I want to assist everyone and everything.
So much giving and providing and existing for others left me broken and unrecognizable.
I am letting go of this role in order to better define myself....
To better define my story.
& those three little tears, while they may have prompted the beginning of the end for a tragic season....
They only mark the beginning of the beginning for a vibrant life.