A new beginning....

I have always, and will always have a place in my heart for blogging.

Entrepreneurship, Speak Now, this little blog-

They've all taught me SO much about public relations, marketing, and most amazingly- community.

 

Being public in my heartache, public in my faith, public in my beliefs-

Has given me an incredible support group in otherwise intimate thoughts.

I get so much out of an internet career.

What I don't get-
Is to be seventeen.

I have learned from the earliest point in my experience with blogging,
that being politically and religiously correct is a safety around these parts.

I've watched valued mentors give their opinions only to be knocked down.
I've watched people whom I have so much respect for turn around and shut someone else out.

I've watched lines divide and tears fall.

So where am I going with this?

I guess to say this-

I have become so focused on being politically and religiously correct-
that I have lost sight of my true beliefs.

My own values. My own morality.
 

& right now, at this fleeting time in my life-
I need to stick to my guns.

Not focused on how I should see the world...
But instead, how I do see the world.

How do I see the world?
I'll save that post for a later date.

Maybe tomorrow, maybe next year...

This is the informal announcement to some blog changes, some absent weeks, and most importantly-
some soul searching.

SPEAK NOW: Link-Up and GIVEAWAY

Ellie Coburn // elliecoburn.com | Ashly Griffith // After nine to five |  Keri-Anne Pink // Gingerlilytea | Franchesca Cox // So this is love | Kristine Foley // The Foley Fam | Lena Baird // Lena B. Actually | Emily // Dashboard Diaries | Cristine // Life with a side of Coffee | Shane Prather // Whispering Sweet Nothings | Shantel Cannon // Our Funny Little Family | Heather // Finding Beauty in the Ordinary | Ady // When in Doubt, just add Glitter | Beth Lewis // Through the eyes of the Mrs. | Brooklyn // This Little Blonde | Cassie Yielding // Live. Laugh. Love | Tamika Rybinski // No Time for Tea | Torie Jochims // Lattes and Love | Laurel Martinez // Heart of Wanderer  | Laura Williams // Lulu's Little Wonderland | Kayli // Truly Lovely | Ali Mills // Our Happily Ever After |  Jean // What Jean Likes | Hannah Stocker // All of My days with you | Jen Hallquist // Living a Listful Life | Jill Wilhelm // I know the plans I have for you | 

  Happy May Speak Now friends, both new and old! 

Today is an exciting day for Speak Now

Today, some fabulous ladies have teamed up to link up and tell you that you're beautiful. 

Speak Now is all about beauty from the inside out.

We believe in your dreams + passions. We believe in you. 

Today we want you to look in the mirror and tell yourself that you're beautiful.

Identify what makes you feel beautiful. Make this feeling an obligation in your life.

Today we are here to remind you that you can do anything.

Today and everyday, you are lovely, you are perfect, you are bold, you are unique.

Today and every day- you are beautiful!

Speak Now is a women empowerment organization 

built around the philosophy that self-love, self-respect, + self-confidence will make you beautiful.

We empower. We create. We educate. We inspire.

Link your blog up to connect with other bloggers who believe in the empowerment of women and help us spread awareness about the importance of women empowerment!

Once you link up, no community experience would be complete without a little welcome gift!  We are giving away a $100 visa gift card and any piece of beautiful jewelry from the Speak Now shop!

So link up, enter our giveaway, take a look at some of our blogging friends, and share our mission with your friends, family, and fellow blogging community. 

We are an online community designed to believe in you.

Today, we want you to join our movement.

_________________________________________________________________________________

HOW TO ENTER OUR GIVEAWAY 

&  win a $100 visa gift card and a custom jewelry piece from our jewelry store

MANDATORY TO ENTER:

****MUST FOLLOW SPEAK NOW ON EITHER FACEBOOK, TWITTER, OR INSTAGRAM TO ENTER*****

*****MUST LINK UP BLOG BELOW TO ENTER*****

 ADDITIONAL ENTRIES: 
+1 for each // Follow Speak Now on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram - COMMENT FOR EACH + 1 for each // Follow via GFC, Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram for any of our co-hosts - COMMENT FOR EACH + 1 // Share Speak Now's I AM BEAUTIFUL May link up with your FB or twitter friends - COMMENT FOR EACH +1 // Spreading the word via status/tweet/instagram post- COMMENT FOR EACH

COMMENTS ARE OFF ON ALL WEBSITE'S CO-HOSTING THE EVENT SO YOU CAN HEAD ON OVER TO SPEAK NOW'S WEBSITE AND COMMENT TO ENTER! 

{ WWW.WESPEAKNOW.ORG }

A very special thanks to  Aunie of Aunie Sauce, Casey Wiegand,  Keri-Anne Pink, and Salena Lee  for sponsoring our link up!

this is the dream

The following is the story of my story...

At the beginning of high school- 

I had just entered the fog that comes with losing a parent.

My soul dwelled in dark places & ultimately I had to make a decision.

I could either let the tragedy break or make something of me.

I quite literally had to find myself again.

I fought for myself. I fought back and somehow kind of landed with elliecoburn.com and Speak Now.

I can't really place a finger on why or how I began my blogging or entrepreneurial career -

I just know that the logistics of working everyday at a dream stabilized my reality.

Writing everyday, making friends, learning how to market myself, learning how other's marketed themselves....

It was all very therapeutic.  

& honestly I never thought that I'd share my blog with others.

But six months after starting my internet life, I began to identify with it.

Not with my follower count. Not with the numerical content of my statistics. Not with the money I started to make with advertisements...

But just with blogging.

I liked the words.

I loved the community.

 I went a year as the happy author of a blog that I was proud to write.

It took me a year to understand the logistics of blogging not just as a hobby, but as a business.

It was among this realization that I hit a crossroad.

I could choose to spike up my advertising rates, spend hours editing my content for small businesses, I could host giveaways bimonthly, I could hype up my sponsor about great opportunities....

(my apologies for those of you who don't speak blog) 

But you get the point- 

I could have marketed.

I could have put every ounce of energy into a number.

But that wasn't the dream.

The dream was to fix others the way blogging fixed me.

I decided to, instead, put ever ounce of energy into a dream.

A dream to empower, create, educate, inspire,  and love.

A dream to do what felt right in my heart.

A dream to start a non-profit for the empowerment and well-being of women.

I was scared...

What if people judge me for starting a non-profit?

What if I fail miserably?

What if no one reaches out?

What if I lose followers trying to tend to my dream?

I put my fears on the shelf.

& I started Speak Now.

Speak Now is growing.

Around my household and my friend's it is often referred to as "Ellie's baby."

It's not anywhere near the best.

It's not anywhere near where I want to take it throughout my life.

But I'm okay with that.

It exists because I know that, for me, aiding women and spreading awareness is what makes my heart happy.

Where this takes me in the future- 

I have no idea.

I do know though, that being a part of Speak Now, the blogging community, and the San Diego and California Non-profit community has been a bigger blessing than I know what to do with.

I do know that this beginning, this Speak Now, this moment-

This is the dream.

Picking up the pieces...

"You can be anything you want to be..." 

My father used to say to me  as I would dance from room to room as a child.

And in those moments, I was sure who I wanted to be.

I wanted to be Ellie. & I wanted to be happy.

Somewhere in between all this dreaming, and room to room dancing-

Life happened.

Tragedy happened.

The biggest test's of my will happened.

I lost people I loved.

I lost people I needed.

I lost the compassion in my soul to that of high school judgements and failed decisions.

I lost myself.

For a while....

I was really very sad.

Because I was not Ellie. & I was not happy.

I learned in these moments, in the months after my father's death, in my first taste's of high school-

I learned.

I learned that I could fail myself.

I learned that I could make mistakes in the presence of pain.

I learned that I would do anything to get away from the tragedy that was unfolding in my once fairytale life.

I learned to make choices that I would never think to make, choices that would later become regrets.

I learned to spend my time evolving into something, anything- that did not have to face tragedy.

& then once I realized that there was a calm beyond this stormy chapter of my life.....

I learned that I could forgive myself for my mistakes.

Speak Now, this blog,  my choice to involve myself in community service and management positions-

My life is forever changed.

My heart is forever full.

I have learned that there are inevitable dark chapters of our lives.

I have learned to live and let love.

I have learned to trust in what makes me happy- 

to guide me.

Because when you are doing what you love...

Life happens.

& every little thing falls into place.

After all-

I am Ellie. & I am SO SO happy.

Pick up your broken pieces friend, you will be whole again.....

What you're good at.

I can't touch my toes.

My long runs (and bad habit of not stretching afterwards) have eliminated any hope of flexibility.

But I try.

I try to get better. To get stronger. To stretch more. To push myself more. 

This is life.

Pushing, hoping, dreaming....

So maybe my physical inability doesn't rack up in comparison to the emotional metaphor 'm going for.

But work with me here.

I have some bad habits that all seventeen year old girls seem to take it upon themselves to possess.

Judging myself.

Judging others.

Judging myself because of others.

If she can run that mile, why can't I?

If she can eat that cake and feel confident at the beach in a swimsuit, why can't I?

If she can ace that test, why can't I?

If she pull that hairstyle off, why can't I?

The thoughts that hurt my soul.

They burden me. They hold me back. They have made me cry....

The thought that I can't be the best, or better, or perfect.

It's a big thing for me to come to terms with.

But I try.

To get stronger. To stretch more. To push myself more.

It was recently, among just a dozen or so emails asking for advice on body image-

that this excerpt touched my soul:

"My sister asks me how I can be so confident, BUT I'M NOT. I pretend to be confident. I pretend to feel pretty."

& today-

best friend and I had a very similar conversation.

I won't reveal more. Just that areas of my life are proving a very symbolic reality.

The people that you are looking down and comparing yourself too, are likely comparing themselves to someone else.

& if you think about it- that person is probably comparing to that person, compared to that person, compared to her sister, compared to her mom, compared to the girl in the mall, compared to the women in church, compared to the new mom who lost the baby weight, compared to the fertile couple who aren't even really trying for a baby, compared to the popular girl, compared to "his" skinny girlfriend, compared to.....well....you.

Because eventually, this world will prove itself small-

& what goes around will come around.

For the rest of your life-

you're responsible for one thing.

The person in the mirror.

Be her. 

& learn to love what you're good at.

Learn to channel your energy of lust for someone's successes towards your talents.

The world needs more people to look up too.

People who too, are looking up.

 

I am not a standard

The California Standardized Test has been a yearly happening in my life since grade school.

Essentially, every student enrolled in a California Public School District is required to be tested on their classes taken over the course of the year in the form of a standardized test.

 

This year, I opted out of a math class.

At the beginning of the year, I made the conscious decision to take that load off my plate and take the class over the summer.

 

This morning my peers woke to take the standardized math test on the course that they took this year.

I thought I had the morning off, only to discover that I was required to take the math portion of the test "like the rest of my peers."

 

I paused in thought when I realized the only real reason that the state had for me taking a test,

Was to standardize me with the people around me.

 

This really bothered me for some reason.

In part, due to the fact that I had to get up and take a test-

But mostly and more optimally because I was being forced to take a test because that's what those around me were required to do.

 

In all seriousness,

I was hurt.

 

I was hurt to be a standard. A number. A name on a roaster.

 

I didn't know any of the math questions.

I felt stupid and silly taking the test while those around me answered confidently.

I bubbled in letters randomly, knowing that the test would have no effect on me personally.

 

a)

b)

c)

d)

b)

b)

a)

 

....and so on with the guessing game until my scantron of bubble letters were filled like the rest of my peers.

I smiled half-way through the test.

Oh my goodness, I'm failing I thought.

This summer, like every summer, my results will come in the mail.

 

The state rates you:

 

Above Average

Average

Below Average

Insufficient

 

Likely, my math portion, unless my random bubble letters speak to psychic abilities-

Will be insufficient.

 

I started laughing at this thought.

Laughing because I was relieved.

 

Relieved with the realization that I am not insufficient or average for that matter.

Relieved at the thought that I am bold, confident, unique, compassionate, inquisitive, motivated...

Relieved at the realization that I am not a standard.

 

That none of those around me with the complaints of failing the test are of standard.

Relieved with comfort and humbleness in the notion that I am not a scantron.

 

I am a person.

& you are too.